In January of this year, I started dating the love of my life. I was happy and every single day I fell more and more in love with him. Three and a half months later, one fight ended all of it.
Through months of both fighting and talking, we’ve somehow magically ended up together again. But things are so different now.
I’m more insecure than I’ve ever been in a relationship. I’m confident and comfortable with myself, but I still feel sure that this is going to end, that he’ll walk away again. And that’s not a great feeling.
I find it impossible to talk to him about things that bother me because I’m afraid it will start a fight, and because I’m sure that if we fight, he’ll just walk away again. So, I keep a lot of it bottled up, things that I want to talk about that I pretend don’t bother me so that we can be together. Even when I really plan on talking about things, we never seem to get around to it or it’s never the right time. And the few times I have brought things up, he talks until I’m convinced, for the time being, that nothing needs to change. And then only later do I realize that the situation still bothers me. Like, the fact that he won’t change his relationship status on Facebook. I want to talk to him and explain my feelings about it, but it never seems like the right time and I’m sure it will cause a fight.
The other thing is that I don’t feel even remotely as close to him as I did before. The first time we were dating, we hung out every day for ten days in a row, and then frequently after that. I always knew what was going on in his life. Now, since we’ve started being “official” again, I’ve hung out with him twice. It’s been less than a week, but four days in between hanging out with my boyfriend when we’ve just started a new relationship isn’t promising, especially after what it used to be like. I never know what he’s doing with his days and we rarely text throughout the day, and sometimes we don’t text each other at all. Even when we do, it’s never important stuff because I’m afraid of starting a fight, and text fights are the worst.
I just want to feel close to him and in love again like we were. And it’s hard to talk to him about my fears because he’s so hopeful for us that I’m afraid it will hurt him if he knew how much I doubt the success of this relationship. But I’m here and I want to see it go somewhere, it’s just that right now, it doesn’t feel like it’s going to a better place. It feels like we’re at a place where he is comfortable - somewhat distant and not too committed. Like, I know he wants this to get to something very serious, but right now I feel like he’s very afraid of commitment. And I understand why he should be, but I want something more serious, more intimate.
Part of me wants to run away and never look back and maybe keep him as a friend, and part of me really wants this to work out. I mean, I love him. But I’m so insecure and I feel so distant from him, and I feel like I can’t talk to him about anything.
I just wish we’d never broken up in the first place. But it’s too late for that.
I just hope we can get back to a place where I feel more secure and closer to him.